{"id":66863,"date":"2025-05-05T07:30:11","date_gmt":"2025-05-05T05:30:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/a-desk.org\/?p=66863"},"modified":"2026-03-17T12:55:03","modified_gmt":"2026-03-17T11:55:03","slug":"has-estat-buscant-durant-molt-de-temps","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/a-desk.org\/ca\/magazine\/has-estat-buscant-durant-molt-de-temps\/","title":{"rendered":"has estat buscant durant molt de temps"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n

durant molt de temps, he volgut escriure un text sobre <\/em>tu\u2014
\n<\/em>un que mai llegir\u00e0s,
\ntot i que nom\u00e9s <\/em>ens separa una sola paret,
\n<\/em>una paret a trav\u00e9s de la qual tot es pot escoltar:
\n<\/em>el <\/em>gemec durant el sexe amb diversos cossos\u2014<\/em>el teu molt silenci\u00f3s, i el meu, per a la
\n<\/em>teva<\/em> consternaci\u00f3, massa <\/em>fort\u2014<\/em> o la tos discreta despr\u00e9s de les escapades<\/em> d’insomni,
\n<\/em>o el riure durant les trucades telef\u00f2niques amb <\/em>aquells que ja no hi s\u00f3n,
\n<\/em>o la respiraci\u00f3 despr\u00e9s d’un malson
\n<\/em>i la llum que brilla per <\/em>l\u2019escletxa de la porta
\n<\/em>que mai obrim.
\n<\/em>aquestes parets s\u00f3n <\/em>fines com el paper, vas dir una vegada.
\nno hi escrivim, <\/em>a les parets\u2014
\n<\/em>no <\/em>compartim <\/em>cap paper,
\n<\/em>nom\u00e9s la coexist\u00e8ncia dels nostres diaris
\nen<\/em> les nostres pr\u00f2pies habitacions
\n<\/em>o fortaleses.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

has estat buscant
\ndurant molt de temps<\/strong><\/p>\n

alguna cosa que hauria fet que tot valgu\u00e9s la pena,
\nCom en la teva sessi\u00f3 de ter\u00e0pia setmanal,
\non parles dels traumes dels altres,
\nbusques la teva ra\u00f3, la teva excusa per fracassar.
\ntamb\u00e9 tens perm\u00eds per fracassar, et diu la teva terapeuta
\nella \u00e9s una cosa aix\u00ed com la teva contrabandista, a la que pagues,
\nper\u00f2 ha<\/em>s de <\/em>travessar la frontera tu mateixa.<\/em><\/p>\n

o en el meu diari, que llegeixes, busques entre l\u00ednies
\nles meves paraules que no vas escoltar amb prou atenci\u00f3
\nperqu\u00e8 vas deixar d’estar realment present.<\/p>\n

o a la pista de ball, l’\u00faltim reducte lliure que queda a la ciutat,
\nall\u00e0 cerques el teu cos,
\naquell que nom\u00e9s sents quan t\u2019estrenys contra una paret
\nper un Ell que busca alguna cosa com l’amor\u2014
\no potser nom\u00e9s venjan\u00e7a entre els teus llavis i llavis [\u2026]<\/p>\n

o al jard\u00ed, on tens gallines i regues tomaqueres,
\ni deixes que els matolls creixin salvatges entre l’\u00e0loe vera i les males herbes,
\nen el cicle de fotos\u00edntesi, compost i cosmos,
\nde reencarnaci\u00f3 i cicles menstruals, d\u2019estacions i llavors\u2014
\nall\u00e0 busques la transformaci\u00f3 energ\u00e8tica,
\nla constant dins del canvi, la fertilitat de la decad\u00e8ncia,
\nalguna cosa
\nque romangui.<\/p>\n

O en el mar, l’horitz\u00f3 del qual diu sempre Turquia
\n(aquest forat de merda d’Erdo\u011fan i la (sobre) explotaci\u00f3 i l\u2019opressi\u00f3 i la viol\u00e8ncia policial
\ni el genocidi)
\ni mai la llibertat,
\ncerques D\u00e9u o les persones que has perdut que ara nom\u00e9s
\nse t\u2019apareixen com ressons. vibracions. ombres.<\/p>\n

quan els dies de dolor comencen de nou,
\n<\/strong>per raons que s\u00f3n tan evidents
\n\u00fanicament desateses i sepultades els altres dies,
\nt\u2019escapoleixes,
\nenvoltada de cinc milions de metres de murs i vorals,
\ncamines de puntetes all\u00e0 on els caps colpegen el terra
\namb la teva Europa Fortalesa, el teu filferro d’ar\u00e7,
\nel teu estat d’alarma permanent,
\ntravessant el passad\u00eds, travessant el passad\u00eds
\nmirant cap avall quan els nostres ulls es troben
\n(com totes les persones en dol).
\na la cuina, quan treus el caf\u00e8 del fog\u00f3
\nabans de deixar-lo bullir i cremi de nou,
\nem preguntes pels plans del dia i jo et responc i retorno la q\u00fcesti\u00f3,
\ncom si tingu\u00e9s alguna rellev\u00e0ncia el que qualsevol de nosaltres est\u00e0 fent avui,
\ncom si no f\u00f3ssim simplement fragments fosos d\u2019insignifican\u00e7a.
\nen alguns d’aquests matins, la pell sota els teus ulls \u00e9s vermella
\ncom si haguessis tornat a plorar (sense que jo me n\u2019adon\u00e9s)
\nper\u00f2 potser \u00e9s nom\u00e9s una altra reacci\u00f3 al\u00b7l\u00e8rgica a alguna cosa desconeguda.
\nels ulls d\u2019en nassim s\u00f3n sempre vermells,
\nel dol d\u2019en nassim resta gla\u00e7at en cicatrius vessades amb sang
\ntra\u00e7ades per un desbordament de ll\u00e0grimes.<\/p>\n

altres vegades, quan ens creuem a la cuina\u2014
\ndir que \u201cens trobem\u201d o que \u201cens veiem\u201d seria massa\u2014
\nt\u2019ajaus durant una bona estona
\ndavant del congelador trencat
\ncom si fos una tomba
\nque no es pot tancar.
\nquan alces la mirada,
\nles teves pupil\u00b7les encara estan dilatades,
\nsostenint la negra nit que has absorbit
\ni clarament ocultat,
\nperqu\u00e8 mai vas anar a dormir.
\naquelles s\u00f3n les nits en qu\u00e8 prens \u00e8xtasi o speed o MDMA,
\nalgunes vegades fins i tot coca\u2014de totes les coses, coca\u2014
\namb gent que no podria ser m\u00e9s diferent de tu.
\nun cop vas dir que prens drogues per perdre’t dins la teva pr\u00f2pia confusi\u00f3
\nsense haver de sentir el dolor.
\nper exemple, penses en H. o M. o en I.
\no en el nad\u00f3 de la teva germana que va morir abans que pogu\u00e9s viure.
\nen algunes albades, abans del mat\u00ed,
\nabans que el dia de la setmana de l’hivern pugui ni comen\u00e7ar,
\nde vegades t\u2019observo travessar la porta, cap a l\u2019exterior
\n\u2014on sigui que sigui, per a tu.<\/p>\n

de vegades ens trobem tamb\u00e9 al bany.
\nquan irromps mentre m’enfonso en el meu reflex
\ni el disgust per aquesta societat, per exemple\u2014
\ni despr\u00e9s fas alguna cosa absurda al meu costat
\ncom pixar, utilitzar paper higi\u00e8nic i tirar la cadena
\ni rentar-te les mans
\nsense enfonsar-te en el teu reflex ni en el disgust per aquesta societat.
\nal costat del v\u00e0ter penja una foto teva i d\u2019ella i d’ells
\ni d\u2019una altra persona que solia estar aqu\u00ed,
\ni ara nom\u00e9s ens mira defecar en forma d’aquesta foto unidimensional.
\nel bany \u00e9s un lloc de mesura i p\u00e8rdua,
\ni la teva vergonya col\u00b7lectivitzada,
\nque intentes rentar-la a la dutxa,
\ns’adhereix a la fulla d\u2019afaitar d’un sol \u00fas del magatzem.
\ni de vegades tamb\u00e9 a mi,
\nquan la faig servir despr\u00e9s de tu,
\ni em tallo amb ella\u2014
\ni un mes m\u00e9s tard, quan la sang ja ha desaparegut,
\nem preguntes per les cicatrius de la meva pell
\ndespr\u00e9s de l’esmorzar d’ous del diumenge.<\/p>\n

i sempre trobes
\n<\/strong>els teus motius per continuar endavant i seguir i seguir i quedar-te\u2014per la gent.
\nencara que tots acabin marxant,
\nperqu\u00e8 aquest lloc est\u00e0 ple de pixats i paneroles per tot arreu
\ni de naufragis i ports selectius i assassinats,
\ni aquest sol \u00e9s una matriu.
\ni aleshores tornes a estar sola, amb el gos i les gallines i el teu pes.
\nfal\u00b7l\u00e0cies convertides en c\u00e0rregues\u2014
\nquant m\u00e9s pots suportar abans que la terra s\u2019obri
\nperqu\u00e8 peses massa, de vegades et preguntes.
\ni la veu xiuxiuejant,
\namb la que entres al ring de boxa cada dilluns i dimecres i divendres,
\net respon:
\net mereixes <\/em>enfonsar-te perqu\u00e8 el teu privilegi \u00e9s un <\/em>crim.
\n<\/em>perqu\u00e8 pots alliberar els altres sacrificant-te a tu, oi?<\/p>\n

i perds
\n<\/strong>en tots els dies i nits i anys que ja fa que busques
\nalguna cosa que hauria fet que tot valgu\u00e9s la pena,
\nen aquesta illa \/ a Esmirna \/ a Subotica \/ a la xarxa mundial
\n(que de fet intentes boicotejar),
\nmai el control sobre tu mateixa\u2014
\nnom\u00e9s l’acc\u00e9s a tu
\no la proximitat amb els altres,
\nfins que un dia\u2014
\nquan nom\u00e9s ells, o Ell, o jo, encara continuem marxant,
\ni ning\u00fa et sostingui ja aqu\u00ed,
\nl\u2019estructura de la lluita contra els s\u00edmptomes s’enfonsi
\ni jeguis sola en aquest ring de boxa
\namb les ru\u00efnes de causes i camins equivocats i abstraccions
\ni el monopoli de la viol\u00e8ncia,
\nma\u00f3 a ma\u00f3,
\nmur a mur,
\nfins que l\u2019Europa Fortalesa
\ncaigui\u2026<\/p>\n

aleshores espero
\n<\/strong>que trobis la cola en el pen\u00faltim calaix
\nal passad\u00eds de casa nostra,
\naquella que vaig deixar all\u00e0 per a tu.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

durant molt de temps, he volgut escriure un text sobre tu\u2014 un que mai llegir\u00e0s, tot i que nom\u00e9s ens separa una sola paret, una paret a trav\u00e9s de la…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2975,"featured_media":66907,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_relevanssi_hide_post":"","_relevanssi_hide_content":"","_relevanssi_pin_for_all":"","_relevanssi_pin_keywords":"","_relevanssi_unpin_keywords":"","_relevanssi_related_keywords":"","_relevanssi_related_include_ids":"","_relevanssi_related_exclude_ids":"","_relevanssi_related_no_append":"","_relevanssi_related_not_related":"","_relevanssi_related_posts":"","_relevanssi_noindex_reason":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[7047],"tags":[8366,8367,8368,8369,8370,8371],"coauthors":[7044],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nyou\u2019ve been searching<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"you've been searching is a poem by Ria Mikus about linving on the border, 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