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Ambiguity as a queen
and the world wearing an
frightening and fascinating
– magnetic –
like an object that brings death.
It was beginning to chase me, but did
so with a clumsy slowness and a
stupid gaze, and although I fled
quicker, in the end it always managed
to catch up with me, and that was the
most terrifying part of the dream. I
woke up and there was someone in
the light-filled kitchen, and I told them
my dream. Chase us like that, slowly
yet inexorably, is what night does
throughout the day.
Children pray for night not to come,
but night always arrives; even if it
chases them slowly and they can still
run away, in the end it always arrives.
Night-time and its age-old call to
brutality and rising fevers, as if
darkness helped them conspire to
defeat the body, and with that loss
came all sorts of nightmares that in
daylight would make us smile but are
now powerful because they’re in their
rightful place and are all-pervasive.
At night-time, horror becomes
believable, but it’s much worse when
that horror proves that it is perfectly
able to survive the brightness of such
Saturday was splendid and sad,
enveloped in a sort of boring euphoria.
At the market, as usual, I was drawn to
the object with an evil aura. I reach the
stall and that’s all I see. Everything
else is uninteresting and seems to
have become invisible before the
sudden irresistible presence of the
object I’m going to buy, the evil and
accursed object. It was a heart made of
mother-of-pearl with a black door in
the centre, surrounded by two dark
birds like two open arms.
The ground glowed as if a pack of
hungry demons had nested in its
depths a long time ago and had now
grown; spectral shapes traversed by
fire I did my best to ignore. The fact is
it no longer mattered because there it
was, the white and evil jewel,
transforming before my eyes with the
speed of a tropical storm. I knew I
would have exchanged everything I
had obtained in order to possess it. I
also knew that there was no salvation
for someone who was able to think
that, and even though I had begun to
suffer I felt as if I was drugged — a
drug that extolled the jewel and
confused me, like a poisonous animal
To live in the contradiction of desiring
the accursed and, at once, being
eternally superstitious and rejecting it.
The shopkeeper notices the
ambivalence and this ensures I get a
fair price in the bargaining, for the
truth is that, even though I want to
possess it, at the same time I want to
distance myself from it.
Everything is a melting pot of contrary
feelings, darkness and sweetness —
that’s what we find attractive, that
something should disgust us in a new
When things like this happen I feel
that, for me, the world will never be
Now, letting myself be flooded by this
feeling without expecting any kind of
fulfilment, like a teenager who lets
himself be overwhelmed by something
he has seen, unable to think of himself
or of the consequences and knowing
he is at once alive and dead, overcome
by a spectre that has seized his body
and that from that moment on will do
what it likes with it. And while I
continue to dream of kidnappings and
of my kidnappers – who in the dream
are either women, young or old, or
men wearing hoods – these are the
feelings roaming idly across the world
in search of a body to inhabit and have
now found mine, so I’m their hostage
for as long as they please.
How the last few months have been a
gradual surrender to this thing.
That an object be inhabited by an ill-
fated feeling, a desire to hurt.
Before entering the house with the
poisoned object, I ended up getting rid
of it. And feeling released, released in
a way that made me sad, as if in the
past few months I had inhabited a
demon that made me cry and fall into
an ecstasy that lasted as long as the
jewel wanted, before suddenly
abandoning me, leaving me emptily
roaming the streets like a lost ghost.
"A desk is a dangerous place from which to watch the world" (John Le Carré)